Twilight Condensed!
by MonSolo23
Summary: Chapter 1: Twilight, NM, and Eclipse. CHAPTER 2: BREAKING DAWN INCLUDES SPOILERS. Rated for adult themes/minor language in Ch 2.
1. Chapter 1

**This was just something I wrote up when I was bored. All characters belong to the fabulous Stephenie Meyer. Send this to all of your non-Twilight-reading friends!**

**Twilight: The Condensed Version**

Bella: I hate Forks. Why did I decide to move here?? Ooh, cute boy!

_Edward gives Bella a death glare_

Bella: What did I ever do to him?

_Bella is almost crushed by Tyler's car but Edward pushes her out of the way._

Tyler: Oh noes!! I almost ran Bella over!

Bella: But Edward saved me. Yay!!

Edward: What? No I didn't…

Bella: But…but…

Edward: It would be better if we weren't friends…but come eat lunch with me?

Bella: Edward's really weird.

Jacob: Have you ever heard about the Cold Ones? Yeah, Edward's a vampire.

Bella: Ah-ha! It all makes sense!

Edward: You really should avoid me. I am an evil demon.

Bella: You're hot…actually, you're cold. But you're seriously cute. And sparkly.

Edward: But I could kill you!

Bella: Please don't?

Edward: Okay. Come meet my family!

Alice: Hey. I'm psychic.

Rosalie: I wish I was still human. I don't like you.

Jasper: I can control your emotions.

Emmett: I'm not as scary as I look. I swear.

Esme: Ohh, Eddie brought his girlfriend! Let me show you his baby pictures…

Carlisle: I swam across the ocean once. And I'm immune to the scent of human blood.

Alice: Hey, let's go play baseball!

_The Cullens meet some evil vampires._

James: Human! Must kill!!

Bella: Aaaah! Must run away. Charlie, I'm leaving.

Charlie: WTF?

Alice: Come with me and Jasper. We'll keep you safe.

Bella: Noo! I don't wanna leave Edward.

Edward: They'll protect you. I'll see you soon.

_Alice, Jasper, and Bella go to Phoenix._

James: I'm gonna kill your mommy. Come to me and let me kill you.

Bella: Not my mommy!

_Bella walks right into James' trap._

James: Mwahahaha…I didn't have her. But now I have you!

Bella: Whoops. That was kinda stupid.

_James bites Bella_

Edward: I must save her!

Bella: But…but…I wanted to be a vampire.

Edward: Absolutely not. Let's go to prom.

Bella: Absolutely not.

Alice: Sorry, Bella, you've got to. By the way, you're going to be a vampire one day.

Edward: NO SHE WON'T!

Jacob: Hey, my dad says to be careful with Edward.

Bella: Whatever. I lurve him!

**Fangirls: Give us more!!11!!1!!**

**Stephenie Meyer: Here's the sequel…**

**New Moon: The Condensed Version**

Bella: Why do I have to grow older? I wish I was a vampire.

_Bella cuts her arm at her birthday party_

Jasper: Blood!

Edward: We're leaving. I don't love you anymore (except I do).

Bella: Nooo!!

_Lots of time passes_

Bella: Holy crow, I've turned into a zombie. Oooh, motorcycles!

Jacob: I can fix those up for you!

Bella: Let's go do something crazy so I can hear Edward's voice in my head.

_Bella runs into Laurent_

Laurent: Human! Must kill!!

Bella: Oh noes! And all my vampire friends are gone. Who will save me??

_Wolves run through and chase Laurent._

Bella: What just happened here?

**Fangirls: What just happened here??**

Jacob: I can't be your friend anymore, Bella. I'm sorry.

Bella: Why does everyone hate me??

Jacob: Remember when I told you about the cold ones?

Bella: Yeah…

Jacob: Remember what else I told you?

Bella: ZOMG! You're a werewolf!?

**Fangirls: ZOMG! Jacob's a werewolf?**

Jacob: Yay I avoided the rules! Come hang out with the pack.

Bella: Cool. You guys are nice.

Jacob: You're being stalked by a vampire.

Bella: Oh noes! Victoria's out to kill me because Edward killed James...

Pack: We'll protect you, Bella.

**Fangirls: Where's Edward??**

Bella: Hmm, I think I'm gonna try cliff diving.

Alice: Noooo! I just saw Bella kill herself…

Rosalie: Hey, Eddie, your girlfriend's dead!

Edward: Gasp! I must get the Volturi to kill me!

Alice: Edward's gonna kill himself. Bella, we need to save him!

Bella: I've gotta save Edward. Bye, Jacob. Tell Charlie I'm sorry if I die.

Alice: Let's fly to Italy! And steal a car!

Bella: As long as we save Edward.

_Edward is about to step into the sunlight and expose all of the vampires_

Bella: EDWARD!!

Edward: Whoa…I'm in heaven? Cool.

Bella: No! We're not dead.

Volturi: Must kill the human who knows our secrets…

Alice: But we're gonna turn her into a vampire.

Volturi: Okey-dokey then.

Bella: WHEN??

Edward: Never!!

Jacob: If you turn her you'll start a war with the werewolves.

Bella: Et tu, Jacob? Stupid backstabbing werewolf…

**Fangirls: Yay! No more Jacob!**

**Stephenie: Sorry…he comes back in book 3. And I like him.**

**Eclipse: The Condensed Version**

Edward: There's a crazy vampire in Seattle killing lots of people.

Bella: Eew.

Edward: Hey, let's go visit your mother in Florida!

Bella: Why??

Edward: Why not? You're going to be a vampire in a few months, so you'd better go soon.

Bella: Crap, I forgot…I mean, yay! I'm going to be a vampire!

Edward: You're not having second thoughts, are you??

Bella: Of course not…why does Jacob hate me?

Edward: Jacob's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can.

Jacob: Edward's too dangerous for you. I can protect you better than he can…by the way, Victoria was here last weekend.

Bella: Ahhhhh!!

Edward: Bella, I'm keeping you in protective custody so you don't go near the werewolves.

Bella: Haha, I snuck off to be with my friend Jacob!

Edward: I hate Jacob.

Jacob: I hate Edward, but I love you, Bella.

Bella: I'm Switzerland. Why can't we be friends?

Edward: You know what? Go ahead and hang out with the stupid werewolf.

Bella: Yay!

Jacob: Yay!

**Fangirls: She'd better pick Edward…**

Jasper: There's an army of newborn super-strong vampires in Seattle!

Jacob: Victoria's still stalking you, Bella. And I still love you.

Alice: Hey, how many people can I invite to your graduation party?

Edward: Bella, marry me!

_Bella's head explodes_

Bella: Everything's clear now! All right, Edward, I'll marry you. Hey, I'd bet Victoria's in charge of the vampire army, too! Yo, vamps and werewolves, we all want the army gone, right? Can we call a truce?

Cullens: Okay…

The pack: Fine.

_Both sides grumble. _

Bella: Yay! Now, nobody die, okay?

Jacob: You don't love me. I'll go be a hero now.

Bella: Jacob, don't be a hero! I do love you, for real! And it only took me 530 pages to figure it out.

_Bella kisses Jacob passionately._

**Fangirls: NOOOOOOOOOO!!11!!1**

Edward: Look, I ripped Victoria's arm off! And her head. Yuck.

Bella: Yay she's dead! Now I can relax…oh wait, no, I can't.

Volturi: Hey, we've got a cameo! Why isn't Bella a vampire yet?

Edward: It's happening in the next book, after we get married. For real this time.

Bella: Love triangles suck. But I still pick Edward. But I love Jacob almost as much! Emo cry!

Alice: Wow, I'm gonna plan your wedding!! Thank you thankyouthankyou!!

Bella: Don't invite Jacob, please?

Edward: Um, okay...

_Jacob gets an invitation from Edward_

Jacob: Oh noes! What will I do when Bella turns evil? Or what if she dies? I love Bella. I don't know what I'm going to do.

_Jacob runs away into the forest._

**Fangirls: Good riddance. May you never return!**

**Stephenie: Hey, be nice! Or I'll never write book four.**

**Fangirls: Meep. Sorry.**

**A/N: This was inspired by "The Entire Series of Angel Like Uber Quick" by SSBoy--link on my profile!**


	2. BREAKING DAWN CONDENSED!

**What follows is a summary of the ACTUAL Breaking Dawn. Man, do I wish I had a time machine! I'd go back to, say, last summer and post Breaking Dawn here...I'd get soooooo flamed.**

**Breaking Dawn Condensed!**

Bella: Eew, weddings suck. Especially mine.

Alice: Shut up and try on your dress. You're going to enjoy this.

_Impossibly perfect wedding scene_

Bella: Wow, that was actually nice! Now, if only Jacob would show up…

Jacob: Boo!

Bella: Yay!

**Fangirls: Good thing she and Edward already tied the knot…**

Jacob: I might not hate you after you become a vampire. I don't know. At least he's not going to try anything stupid like having sex.

Bella: Um…

_Jacob explodes._

Edward: Come on, Bella. Time for the honeymoon!

**Fangirls (chanting): Lemon, lemon, lemon!**

**Stephenie: What does "lemon" mean??**

_Cut to "morning after"_

Bella: Wow. Words cannot describe the perfectness.

Edward: Oh, Bella, I almost killed you! Woe is me!

Bella: Sheesh, relax. I'm fine. Let's do it again!

Edward: No! Not until after I've turned you!

Bella: Okay, but now I want to go to Dartmouth.

Edward: Bella, if I didn't love you so much, I'd hate you.

_Time passes, skipping over all the good parts. One morning, Bella is mysteriously ill._

Bella: Eddie, my period's late.

Edward: O-kay…

Bella: Edward, I'm pregnant.

**Fangirls: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Bella CAN'T be PREGNANT!!111!!1! It's just not possible.**

Bella: Hmmm, maybe Edward's an incubus! Or it was born from the fire of our love!

Edward: Bella's carrying an evil demon baby. Don't worry, I'll get it out of you!

Bella: Not my baby! Hello, Rosalie? Guess what, you're my new best friend.

_**CHANGE TO JACOB'S POV**_

**Fangirls: We wouldn't put up with this absurdity from anyone else, Stephenie.**

Sam: Okay, the Cullens are back and Bella's with them, but she's "sick."

Jacob: ZOMG he turned her! Let's go kill them!

Sam: They'll leave soon; it was her choice; they saved our lives (and the fangirls won't let us hurt the Cullens).

Jacob: Fine! I'll go myself!

Edward: Thank goodness you're here. Bella's pregnant with an evil demon baby and she won't let us save her.

Jacob: Srsly?

Edward: It's killing her, but she says she loves it.

Jacob: But…but…Bella didn't even WANT kids!

Edward: If she wants them now, she can have them. With you.

Jacob: Has everyone else gone insane, or just me?

Edward: Talk to her. Please. And if she dies, kill me.

Jacob: Maybe to the first part, and yes to the second…Bella, can I be your baby-daddy?

Bella: What?

Jacob: Yeah, it sounded stupid to me too…I mean…look, do you WANT that thing to kill you?

Bella: I'm not gonna die! Edward will turn me once our baby is born.

Jacob: Great. Just perfect.

Sam: Evil demon baby! We attack the Cullens at sunset. They'll fight back, so we'll have to kill them all.

Jacob: Oh, hell-to-the-no!

Sam: Don't make me go Alpha-dog on your ass.

Jacob: I AM THE ALPHA. I AM LEAVING.

Seth: Wait for me!

Jacob: Great. Fine, whatever. Let's go tell the Cullens they're under attack.

Seth: Yay!

Edward: Why can't Bella be sensible?

Jacob: She married _you_ and you expect her to be _sensible_? Shouldn't you be smarter after a hundred and fifty years??

Edward: A hundred seven, but point well taken. So this thing's coming out in a few weeks.

Jacob: I'm guessing not a normal birth?

Edward: Ever seen _Alien_?

Jacob: Oh. Well, then, I guess undead is better than dead-dead…those are sounding like my only options at this point.

Edward: You'd better come in…she might not even be able to carry the evil demon baby to full term.

Bella: Jacob! Hi! Cough, cough, dying noises.

Jacob: Stupid evil demon vampire thing…probably wants blood…

Edward: That's it! Why don't we make Bella drink blood?

Bella: Yummy!

Jacob: ARE YOU SERIOUS??

**Fangirls: Wow, we actually agree with Jacob…what kinda freakin' bizarro world is this?**

_Time passes._

Bella: Why do you call my baby an evil demon thing?

Jacob: Gee, maybe because it's killing you…right, Edward?

Edward: I can hear the baby's thoughts! Ohhhh, it loves you!

Jacob: And the cheese stands alone.

Bella: I told you I wasn't pregnant with an evil demon baby. I'll name him Edward Jacob.

Jacob: You shouldn't have. No, really.

_Bella knocks her cup of blood over. The evil demon baby keeps reaching for it._

Edward: OMG Bella's dying! We must save her!

Bella: Save…my…baby…

Edward: It's a girl!

Jacob: Figures.

Bella: Renesmee! My beautiful daughter Renesmee…

**Fangirls: Renesmee?? Okay, where'd that come from?**

_Bella flatlines._

Edward: We've gotta save Bella!!

Jacob: Too late.

**Fangirls: OH NO YOU DID NOT KILL BELLA. YOU DID NOT.**

Jacob: I'll go kill the evil demon baby.

_Jacob stares into Renesmee's eyes._

Jacob: Wow. So THAT'S what imprinting feels like. Oh, and Edward's emergency vampirization worked.

**Fangirls: Okay, Stephenie, if we didn't love you so much, we'd really hate you.**

_**CHANGE TO BELLA'S POV**_

**Fangirls: Let's hope this gets better…**

Bella: Yay! I'm finally a vampire! Wow, this is really friggin' cool!

Edward: Let's go hunt.

Bella: Sweet. Let's see, will I be the world's first uncoordinated vampire?? Nope, guess not! This ROCKS!!

Edward: But are you faster than me?

Bella: Maybe…ooh, human blood!

Edward: NO! STOP!!1!!

Bella: Oh, sorry.

Edward: Um. Wow. That's…unexpected. I think your power is super self-restraint.

Bella: Niiiiiice. Now can I see my baby?

Renesmee: I has a super power! Yayness! I can show everybody what I'm thinking.

Jacob: Are you SURE Bella won't hurt her?

Bella: Jeez, Jacob, what's the big deal?

Jacob: If anything happened to Nessie, I don't know how I could go on…

Bella: OH HELLS NO YOU DID NOT IMPRINT ON MY BABY.

Jacob: Um, Bells? Kinda not my choice? And by the way, now the pack won't kill her.

Bella: And don't call her Nessie. Her incredibly strange name is Re-nez-may. Thank you.

Edward: Hey, guess what? We're giving you a house for your birthday.

Bella: Again with the obscene wealth…wow. I love the house. Oooh, let's have sex!

**Fangirls: Lemon, lemon, lemon!**

_Next morning_

Bella: Are you sure there's no such vampire power as super libido? Cuz I never wanna stop…

Edward: What about the baby?

Bella: Oh, right!

Edward: Actually, she's not really a "baby" anymore…at this rate, she'll qualify for AARP before she's ten.

_Three months later_

Bella: Wow, my life is, like, perfect. Hey, look, it's Irina! Wait, she hates us…

Alice: Annnnnnnd, cue the apocalypse! We're all gonna die.

Bella: What?

Alice: The Volturi. They're coming to kill us because Irina said we've got an evil demon baby. Your only hope is to bring every vampire you can find and have them testify that Nessie is a half-vampire-half-human super-baby, not an evil demon baby. Bye now!

Bella: But...but...Alice! Gasp! She must've seen that we all die.

_Enter the large cast of Other Vampires, with various powers/personalities._

Nessie: Hi everybody! I'm not evil, see?

Vampires: Hmm, guess not. How weird is that?

Eleazar: I can see what powers y'all have…Bella, you're a shield.

Bella: What?

_(Me: Oh yeah! Who called it? Totally predicted that, like, four months ago…)_

Eleazar: You can use your Super Mind Protection to protect everyone from the mental attacks.

Bella: Awesome! Now you must excuse me, I need to find a forger to get papers for Jacob and Renesmee, in case they don't die with the rest of us.

_Time passes. The Volturi arrive_

Bella: Everyone I love is here, and they're all gonna die! Crap!

_Bella's shield explodes and covers all of the good guys_

Aro: Carlisle, wtf are you doing with an evil demon baby? I really don't wanna kill you.

Carlisle: She's not an evil demon baby! Behold!

Renesmee: Hi! Don't hurt my family, 'kay?

Aro: Of course not. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

_The Volturi attempt to incapacitate the good guys, but Bella's shield blocks them all._

Caius: She may not be a demon baby, but what if she's evil? We should kill her just to be safe.

Alice: Am I late? Oh, wait, I'm never late. Sorry for pretending to betray you. Everyone, meet Nahuel!

Nahuel: I'm half-human, half-vampire too. Immortal, and not evil.

Aro: Wonderful!

Caius: Crap.

Marcus: Wuteva.

_The Volturi leave_

Bella: And they all lived happily ever after.

**Fangirls: Wow…**

**A/N: So, what did you think of Breaking Dawn? Love it? Loathe it?? Check out my new poll!**


End file.
